Book - I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real
This classic (published over 25 years ago and a bestseller for over 20 of them) argues that depression looks different among men in our culture. Real’s engaging style makes complex concepts accessible for anyone interested in disrupting generational cycles of depression, particularly the depression that is often passed from father to son.
Last year a client strongly encouraged me to read Terry Real, but his name wasn't one I recognized and my stack of “highly recommended” books was already pretty long. A few months later his name came up on a podcast I regularly listen to (Where Should We Begin with Ester Perel), and I made a mental note to learn more about him. Then a friend recommended a New York Times article about a journalist’s experience in couple's therapy...with Terry Real. The article ("How I Learned the Problem in My Marriage Was Me") spoke to me both as a therapist and as a son/husband/father. Not only have I worked with people who struggle with the dynamic he describes, I resonated with his description of that primal desire for both validation and for distance from your parent.
I knew I needed to learn more about Terry Real's work. Where to start was the problem - he has authored 5 books that are each highly regarded. I chose the book that looked most relevant, not realizing it was also his first and now over 25 years old. I found the idea of a distinctly male manifestation of depression interesting, and, as a man in this field, a large portion of my clients are male. While I enjoy working with this population, but it has unique challenges. For instance, men are significantly more likely to die by suicide. But I also chose this book because I liked the title. I literally judged this book by it's cover.
The big idea of the book is that in our culture depression among men presents differently than depression among females. While Real admits that this is a generalization and as such can't be applied to every person, he argues that boys in our culture, from a young age, are socialized to disconnect from or suppress emotions that would otherwise promote affiliation of social support. They are also rewarded for competition and learn to establish a sense of worthiness from external praise or validation. As such many men tend to rely on external sources for comfort and soothing (e.g., addictions, attention, even physical soothing) and have little skill in dealing with emotions internally. He argues that these patterns impact families for generations as a depressed parent models to the child the maladaptive behaviors of suppressing emotions and the acting out aggressively or competitively to gain seek a sense of control. This is amplified in situations of abuse or even what passes as acceptable corporal punishment. He describes how a child can be placed in a double bind by these parents: either become like the parent and adopt these maladaptive and often violent patterns, or refuse and risk experiencing the pain of isolation and the terrors of alienation. In this book he describes his work helping his adult clients learn to essentially re-parent themselves. As silly as that may sound to critical non-therapy type, the idea is that these childhood memories and systems of belief learned at an early age continues to inform the present day approach to vulnerability, relationships, and desire.
Ultimately this book is about teaching adults about shame, the impact of living disconnected from yourself, and the relief that can come from learning to reconnect with yourself and with others. Aspects of this book feel like it is from another age. Little reference is made to same sex couples and Real infrequently reassures the reader that these processes can apply to women as well. However, he writes in an even-handed way and with an emphasis on human psychological processes that contribute to one manifestation of depression as a very logical response to trauma.
Two quotes I found powerful:
"In depression, the childhood violence that had been leveled against the boy - whether physical or psychological, active or passive - takes up permanent habitation in him. The depressed man adopts a relationship to himself that mirrors and replicates the dynamics of his early abuse. The phenomenon, which I call empathic reversal, is the link connecting trauma and depression...Trauma intrinsically involves fusion between the offended and his victim. In the very moment of damage, some form of unholy intimacy occurs, in part because trauma always involves a failure of boundaries." p. 204
"Traditional socialization of boys diminishes the capacity to esteem the self without going up into grandiosity or down into shame. Traditional masculination teaches boys to replace inherent self-worth with performance-based esteem. It insists that boys disown vulnerable feelings (which could help them connect), while reinforcing their entitlement to express anger. It teaches boys to renounce their true needs in the service of achievement, and at the same time blunts their sensitivity to reading the needs of others. The damage to self...can be summed up as damage in relatedness. And if disconnection from self and others creats suffering, then learning and practicing the art of reconnection can relieve it." p. 276.
